In re: the Plot

Dear Jen (if that really is your name),

Are you fucking kidding me? This is absolutely the worst plot I’ve ever seen. In. My. Life. Do you really call yourself a writer? This is horrible. Terrible. Seriously, stop writing now and think of something else or take up a new hobby. I refuse to be party to this travesty of fiction, this horror, this pathetic attempt. I mean, first you make my love interest gay and therefore not interested in me. At all. And then, do you give me any time, even a little, to process that? No. You immediately have us all abducted by aliens. And that’s not all. You go and make the alien ship not actually a ship, but an alien being. A giant, ship-sized extra-terrestrial cuttlefish. Brilliant. And, to top it all off, you almost immediately have the gay dude killed off by yet another kind of alien. Not just any random alien, but a sort of large time traveling dragonfly race that, for some odd reason, you decided would be the source of the fairy legends on Earth. What?! And don’t think I haven’t peeked into your notes for the remainder of the book. Seriously, I have no interest in sacrificing myself and my child for the good of humanity. I suspect you were trying to pull off what you thought was an ingenious plot twist, but I have one word for you. Lame. Lamelamelame. And I refuse to participate. Why don’t you go and write something fun? Like superheroes or rock stars or something? Better yet, go back to your knitting and leave me alone. Hey, here’s an idea. Thanksgiving is next week. Why don’t you go write up a menu and a grocery list. That, at least, is something I know you’re capable of pulling off.


6 thoughts on “In re: the Plot

  1. Wow, that’s kinda harsh, don’t you think?

    and don’t you dare think you’re not a writer, damn it. one failed plot does not a failed writer make!

    there’s plenty stories in you. and you’re a damn fine writer.

    and I’M your TAS. I KNOW this.

  2. (pats on back)… you’re a braver woman than I. Next year (when I finally do this thing with you) you’re going to totally kick my ass.

    Keep you chin up!

  3. I am HELPLESS with laughter! But…being honest, I’m obliged to let one of my characters reply (I take no responsibility for this):

    Ellie – count yourself lucky. Your plot seems to have a point of view. So does ours – in fact, it’s crawling with them. Aliens? A welcome change from our whiny partially-pagan sort-of-Christian priest. She cut him out TWICE, and he came back; at least this time he shuts up eventually.

    The end is in sight and she has to send my daughter to the castle to un-enchant a whole gob of people…and I have no idea what the poor kid will think when she finds out that her pet lamb and cat are actually her REAL PARENTS! OY!

    Oh, and there have been “eyes watching from the forest” all along and guess what? OUR “writer” (see large air quotes here) has no idea WHOSE eyes, or what they’re doing there, or why — in fact, I think she forgot they were ever there. Frankly, they’ve given me the creeps the whole time.

    Anyway, when both these broads are done with us, wanna meet somewhere on the astral for a good stiff drink? I’ve had all the “rich milk” and “tea with golden honey” I can stomach……

    Your pal,

Comments are closed.